Lost

It’s all I can say right now.  Life has been turned upside down.  He is my world.  I simply do not want to live without Him.  Please just make this nightmare end.

Forever,  that’s what we are…    give Him strength and Hope.  Our forever is not done.

A New Adventure 

We have had numerous ‘new’ adventures lately.  We have seemed to rekindle our kinky side.  Big smiles on this submissive!

Today we spent a day at a camp where anything goes.  I was so nervous, because I do not have a perfect body and showing it so openly is not easy for me.    But He calmed me immediately, He knew what I needed and had me centered and calm when we arrived.

I was able to undress in public, although there was not a lot of people around at the time, it was an accomplishment for me.

We explored, but then settled at a picnic table.  He put a towel down and then tied me in a rope top which He thoroughly enjoyed.  Then I was bent over the table and he reddened my ass.  Such a wonderful new sensation with each stroke.  The heat, the breeze- made it so much more intense!  And to be in public and not judged was amazing!

I can’t wait to do it all again, and all the things we missed today.

It was a day with Him.  A day of many new experiences, a day of growth.  A day the reminded me how special I am to Him.  

Today was a wonderful introduction to what I hope is many future events.  I am so excited at what the future holds for us.  Excitement 5 years into this is such a gift.  Here’s to another 5 with my Daddy.

With Him, I really can do anything!! 

Shame, Fear and Love

I have been with Him for nearly 4 years.  I have told Him all my deep dark secrets, except one.  

For the past few weeks, I have been in a fast and hard downward spiral.  A new promotion with new demands and many other things in my life got everything inside me off balance and I crashed and I crashed hard.  My emotions went completely into overdrive and coming down from that is not easy.  My head messes with me, makes me see things differently, makes somethings so obvious and really don’t even exist.  I ruminate until it eats me alive and I explode.

I was diagnosed a few years ago with Borderline Personality Disorder and I kept it from Him, or so I thought.  

This last episode nearly cost me everything.  But He talked to me and helped me to calm down and he didn’t leave me.

I have been so fearful of telling Him this one last truth.  My daily struggles are embrassing to me. The emotions are so difficult at times.  Things that should not matter eat at me.

I try to be strong and pretend to the world that I am holding it all together.  Now I guess I can stop pretending to Him.

I feel calmer inside now.  It’s a start.

Missing Him

It’s been awhile since I have written.  Life has been hectic and it seems I have little time each day.

Because of so many things, I have been missing Him in so many ways.  I don’t think I have ever known a longing like this, what it truly means to miss someone who is still with us.  His presence is the air I breathe, and sometimes I gasp for Him.

I miss Him in different aspects and this last time I saw Him I had to fight back tears the entire time.  The tears and the voice cracked numerous times as we had lunch and talked.

He had been gone for a small trip and we were supposed to have some close, alone time when He returned and due to things beyond His control, He was unable to keep our plans.  He made sure to see me right away though!  He is so good to me.

I think about Him always.  He is always with me.  And I love my time with Him.  I need to simply be in His presence.

But I so deeply miss our private and intimate time.  I tear up when I think about so I block it out.  I long to feel His touch, to feel his hand touch my bare skin, to feel His heart beat as I lay next to Him.  

It has been so long due to many issues, including health.  My Daddy’s armour has been dented and it takes time to fix that.  I know that.  I know His fears.

But I could barely control my emotions, I just wanted to be His so badly, to be in private and be ‘Us’ again.

This is love and it will be forever. But I miss Him, in ways I never knew existed.

Uncertain

I sit here thinking about how different we are now.  Things are not at all what they used to be.  Life is harder now for us.  More things get in the way.

But I am His.  That I know to my core.

But I have some fears.  He has commented a few times lately that I can end the contract.  He feels I am not getting what I need.  My heart breaks every time those words leave His lips.

Our sexual relationship has changed drastically.  For a number of reasons.  But it isn’t that important to me.  I miss it, not gonna lie.  But I need HIM.  To feel his touch on my back, to feel his kiss on my lips, to see the pride and want in His eyes.  Just to be a part of His universe is really all I need.

How can He not know that?  

Giant tears roll down my cheeks as I type this. What if He ends it due to His feelings of not satisfying me?  How would I ever survive that? 

Why is change so hard?  Why are these conversations so hard.  What I would give to hide away from the world for one hour with Him.  To connect once again.  I miss that connection.  I want to cry on His shoulder and be held and told everything will be alright.  I miss the closeness that simply comes with time alone.  Not sex. Just private time.

God I hope I can find a way to accept that part of us may be gone.  

His Gifts

I am well taken care of.  I am given what I need, because my Daddy takes pride in taking care of me.  However, the gifts that I am showered in, that will be with me always, cannot be bought.

He has given me gifts that have changed my life, that have shaped who I am and made me a strong, successful woman.  In my submission, He has given me the gift of confidence and independence, which I owe entirely to Him.

Strength– probably the biggest gift.  I used to feel lost and completely deserted on a long weekend, over a holiday or simply when work forced lessened contact.  I am never alone!  Now, I can walk with pride, and smile because I am strong enough to make it thru anything. Not only can I make it thru anything, He will always be there.

Trust– I have never trusted anyone like I do Him.  He has restored my faith in love.  He has proven to me time and time again that He is there.  He always will be.  I wear a permanent collar that shows the world I belong to Him because He chose me.

Happiness–  He is my happiness.  Along with other things in my life, but I smile and I laugh when I am with Him.  I am simply happy with Him.

Love–  He gives me a love like no one else ever has.

Pride–  I have never been prouder of who I am and what I have become.

I never knew that my submission could make me a stronger, more independent person.  He has taught me more than I can ever even realize.

Recently, I received a big promotion.  It will, at times, cut into my time with Him.  However, He has been so proud of me and wants great things for me, that he has encouraged me and praised me.  He has made it clear that it will not cause a problem in our relationship.

Without His gifts, I could not do this.

Thank you daddy!  I am forever a better person, because of you!